Here is another funny listing from a while back:
Well what have we here? Something to keep the lawnmower in? Well actually that might not be a bad idea: Iíve seen sheds in B&Q for well over £400, and when the auction ends, this might just end up a damn sight cheaper. And it has 3 doors instead of one, you wonít need to buy a padlock, it wonít need creosoting every year, and if you get bored of it, you can always drive it to a new corner of your garden.
Actually I think I am being rather unfair to this little blue nail . Lets get back to Ebay speak. What you are bidding on here is a 1989 Nissan Micra GS, blah blah. I think GS stands for Goes Slowly, but Iím not quite sure. And I was once told that Nissan stands for Normally In Some Scrapyard, Always Nackered. Please donít email me telling me that I am dyslexic, because I know you spell Knackered with a K. But then it would be a Nissak, and that wouldnít really be funny.
Anyway back to the car. I have had the dubious distinction of knowing this car from brand new, when my pal Crispy Duckís Auntie Claire bought it from our local Datsun dealership many moons ago. It went into receivership not long after. Auntie Claire accumulated around 60000 miles in the car, wearing a little shallow groove in the road from her house to the local shop and the hairdressers in the process. When it was time for her to give up driving (some would argue that she should have given up driving the day she passed her test) it passed into the hands of Crispy, who decided to use it to commute in for no other reason other than the fact that the radio picks up Test Match Special on Radio 4.
Now what happened next is a bit of a blur to be honest. I still canít pinpoint it, but old Crispy seems to be in possession of some form of automotive Rohypnol, whereby I end up going to the Pub
with him, and inexplicably after only a couple of pints of mild, I end up having my pants pulled down, my wallet violated, and stagger out of the Pub
owning the keys and the V5 keys to yet another of one of his old bangers.
The next day I awoke with a headache, feeling a little hazy. Hoping it was some weird dream, I peered out of the window, only to find that our normally clean, orderly drive was being cluttered up by a little blue runter. However, as my hangover cleared, the purchase didnít actually seem too painful in the cold light of day. In fact it started to make perfect sense. Soon after, the little car was pressed into active service as a perfect way of annoying the hell out of all of our neighbours, most of whom actually think that since they have all lived on our road since 1908, they have a god given right to park their sparkling clean sensible middle class biddy mobiles in our parking spot. If the little Micraís appearance raised so much as a tut from at least 3 separate neighbours, then for us at least, it was worth double the purchase price alone.
There were other uses. When we built our fence, the little car kept our Blue Circle cement dry. And the little ginger kid down the road became East Cheshireís hide and seek champion after realising that we never bother to lock it, and the boot became a winning hiding place.
But all good things must come to an end. After the car had served itís purpose, and the neighbours had lost interest in tutting any further, we decided to do the sensible thing and send it to the scrappie. The ginger kid cried a bit, arguing tearfully that hide and seek was the only thing he was good at and if he lost his credibility then sure fire hardcore bullying would result. We took no notice.
And yet, even though the jaws of the crusher seemed the obvious answer, something had started to niggle me. This little car just seemed a bit to good to scrap. What got to me was that, despite being left out in the cold and never driven or started in weeks, as soon as the key was turned, the motor sprang into life like an eager puppy, ticking over like a swiss watch. When Crispy owned the car, the MOT man had shaken his head, fearing that any moment, Crispy would be doing his impression of Fred Flintstone, although being a little on the rotund side, this was probably no surprise.
So donít ask me why but we took it upon ourselves to save the little car. We removed the bags of cement, hoovered out the remnants of Crispyís scruffy muttís dog hairs (and a few ginger ones) from the boot, scrubbed the paint, polished the seats, and phoned a bloke called Bernard who, after a fair bit of sweating, did some welding to the sills to satisfy the MOT man. While he was there, he also undersealed the car with black stuff that looks like it came from Deidre Barlowís lung. We fitted a nice new battery, then booked it for an MOT, and after an anxious wait akin to waiting for my disastrous GCSE results many years ago, Derek the MOT man produced the golden MOT ticket. Hooray!
Now fully legal, I decided to take it for a test drive, I arranged some life insurance cover, said my goodbyes to my fiancee and the cat, and crept out gingerly onto the main road. Unbelievably, it drove in a straight line, stopped in a straight line, made no rattles, noises or squeaks, every single thing still worked, and all of a sudden, it all started to make sense. This is an old, yet still dependable car that just does the job with the minimum of fuss or frill. Unlike your new BMW, you can dump it on the kerb right outside the door of the Pub
, and not care. And when you return the next day with a hangover to find that someone has chucked the remains their donner kebab on the bonnet, you laugh. It is small, like old small cars used to be, making modern Smarts and Toyota IQís seem lardy and cumbersome in comparison, which means you can park in any space you like. The auto box makes it a breeze to drive. There is no power steering to go wrong. The windows move by turning a handle, which means that as well as being one less thing to go wrong, you can keep fit at the same time. Itís great on petrol. The Ďlights oní buzzer makes an amusing noise. And, most importantly of all, you can pick up Test Match Special on Radio 4.
So there we have it. A rattling good motor, with a full MOT, thatís a bit retro, and potentially has many years life left in it yet.. We will be letting the auction run itís course, so there is no need to ask what is the Buy It Now offers. And the reserve is quite low too, but again there is no need to ask. In fact donít bother asking any daft questions, as you may end up facing public ridicule.
Good luck. You'll need it.
The questions and answers bit is even funnier!
Q: What a great listing - I`ve tagged it on my Facebook page in the hope that my son who`s a strapping 6ft 2" rugby player will read it. Oh, and he`s also GINGER and he LOVES to tackle bullies! Good Luck with your car. 14-Mar-10
A: Funnily enough I work with a strapping 6'2 ginger rugby player. Hopefully he won't read this, and hopefully your lad won't win this auction, otherwise I'm getting my head kicked in. Twice.
Q: hi there, is the rear view mirror still in place, the reason i ask. many years ago i would have sold a lot of these fine machines as a car trader. and because the valve stem oil seals always give up they blew a lot of smoke hence the removal off the mirror, as you drove off into the sunset from me you could not see me coughing and choking on the smoke. nor could you see the lovely trail you left behind, oh no i am giving away the secrets of the car trade. 14-Mar-10
A: I did remove it, but only to prevent a nasty accident occuring in the event of a little ginger head popping up from behind the back seat whilst driving.
Q: Well ello olly, I don't really want your silly little car, I already have a young and sparkling Jaguar. The trouble is I also own a decrepit and beaten up old wife. The body has gone to pot, there is a problem with the suspension, there is a worrying leak and you can't hear the test match because she rattles on so much. Therefore my question is would you take the sparkling Jaguar and the decrepit wife in a straight swap for the Micra and your young and sparkling fiancť? Her mother would not be part of the deal but I will happily throw in the wife's mother if that will clinch the deal. Jim 14-Mar-10
A: Well nowadays, going oriental seems to be a very innovative way of curing that high pitched whine that seems to be an inherent trait amongst both British cars and British women. Unfortunately I won't be able to hold up my end of the deal, as she is still with her mother. But have a bid on the Micra, and try some of those gentlemans oriental websites to see if they offer any of those part exchange schemes. You might get a couple of grand in scrappage for her.
Q: Hi Are you participating in the government scrappage scheme ?. I have a very large shed a Renault master hitop van ,Renault standing for Rusty european nogood absolute loada trash . I have owned it for over a year ,it has an MOT ,it is taxed (only for about five days ) .I think this is compliant with the schemes requiremnts . the only thing is that the car you are selling is not a new one .I think we can get over that small detail as my brother in law has ginger hair although balding . So if I win the auction for say £600 ? this means you get the Renault master and I get the micra and a cheque for £1400 . Thanks Regards Keith 14-Mar-10
A: Sounds like a completely hairbrained scheme dreamed up by an overpaid dribbling halfwit with about as much of a grasp on reality as that Kate Jordan bint. Are you a government official by any chance?
Q: Dear Mr 755, seeing your advertisement reminded me of my ex wifeís Y plate Nissan Micra that I bought her for £258. It came in Rust red, had acceleration akin to your average tectonic plate and a radio that produced 2 watts of complete distortion on full bore. Prior to that she had an Allegro which she swore blind was the safest car ever built because as she put it - if you go round a corner and the wheel drops off, Allegroes. However, I digress. My question is, could you give me a price for postage to Willenhall, near Paulís chip shop on the square? Many thanks Geoff 13-Mar-10
A: You bought her an All Aggro, and then a Nissan Micra?? No wonder she's now your ex wife.
Q: after reading your description i'm tempted to make an offer even though i dont want or need a car 13-Mar-10
A: I didn't want or need a car either until I went to the Pub
with Crispy. So bid away.
Q: May the Good Lord have mercy on my soul. I just Googled "rusty bullet" and have been corrupted. If I win this auction, and yes, I really would like to own the Micra; would collection of the vehicle under cover of darkness be acceptable to yourself? I'd not be worried about driving the 140ish miles home, but what if someone saw me in the car? I'd surely die a virgin. :-( John. 13-Mar-10
A: I see you are a serious punter John. Have you not been well recently? Anyway I think a cunning disguise would be better: if you won the car and turned up at my house dressed as Al Jolson and carrying a banjo, then I would gladly pay for your petrol home and buy you a Ginsters pasty of your choice from the filling station.
Q: Its a lovely car no doubt and the best advert Ive read on Ebay since tea time but my issue lays with the ginger kid. You mention that he may now get bullied as he has lost his brilliant hiding place. Does he already have a bully? If not, would you be willing to divulge his address so I can arrange a bully? God I hate gingers. Thank you, Adz. 13-Mar-10
A: Well I was actually intending to describe the Micra as "Beaten, like a ginger stepchild". But I didn't think I would
get away with it.
Q: Dear Sir, STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL I am Lady Maryam Abacha, wife of late General Sani Abacha, Ex-military Head of states of the Federal Republic of Nigeria who died on 8th June 1998 of heart problems. l contacted you because of my need to deal with persons whom my family and l have had no previous personal relationships. Since the death of my husband, my family had been subjected to all sorts of harassment's and intimidation with lots of negative reports emanating from the government and the press about my husband. The present government has also ensured that our bank accounts are frozen and all assets seized. It is in view of this that I seek your cooperation and assistance in the transfer of the sum of US$30,000,000.00 (Thirty Million United States Dollars only) being the very last of my family fund in my possession and control. An earlier attempt in the physical movement of the sum of US$47,000,000.00 was to no avail as the money was confiscated and my International passport impound 13-Mar-10
A: Wow!! Really?? My account number is 21345779; sort code: 16-29-87, bank name: Royal Bank of **** Off.
Q: Your idiotic description of your car only shows what a prat you are. 13-Mar-10
A: Mum, it's way past your bedtime. I'll call you in the morning love.
Q: Can you leave it unlocked for the ginger kid one last time? And does he have a pretty mouth? 13-Mar-10
A: Just. Plain. Wierd.
Q: Nice ride. What's she rolling on? 13's? 13-Mar-10
A: Sorry I don't understand a word you are saying, you must from America, right?
Q: I need something for teaching little ginger kids how to shoot air rifles. I also need to store my air rifles in a locked container thanks to some silly bint in power. Anyway, I assume the three doors all lock? Can I use your neighbors ornament to put the car in for shooting at if I win the auction. The only problem is there may be four or five gingers in your neighbors garden and I may set the thing on fire, but I suppose burning it is a communal service. Thank you. 13-Mar-10
A: Christ. You're not Charles Manson bidding on your mum and dad's account are you?
Q: Are you licensed to offer Finance on this vehicle? The reason I ask is, I can see it going for some serious money. If only for the fact it can later be sold on as having once been owned by a well known writer. Like that bloke who wrote Harry Potter 13-Mar-10
A: I'm not bloody DFS. Still you have a point: if that Rowling fella can make himself a packet from writing fantasy rubbish, then there's a chance. The Micra could be on Antiques Roadshow in a year or two, and I could get to meet Fiona Bruce's leather pants.
Q: Hi Olly - love the ad. Are you that guy that sings on the telly, because if you are, I may be tempted?! x 12-Mar-10
A: Well I've just asked a 12 year old, and I think you are comparing me to some pubescent teen warbler. Who lost. I'm far better looking, and probably more comparable to the other Olly, who did sing a bit, but mainly on 80's chat shows before gulping large quantities of vodka and orange from a jug and falling over.
Q: Blimey, after that write-up I'm even considering bidding to buy the old girl back myself! Especially since it's nearly summer and my new car's stereo doesn't do Long Wave! 12-Mar-10
A: Crispy! You mean to say you actually want it back now? Are you on solvents?
Q: Cool car - The Ginger Stowaway model was always my favourite. Its a pity someone has modified it during it's lifetime with the blingbling alloys and chavvy blue body-kit with matching phat exhaust (I phink that's how you spell phat? Oh phuck knows!), otherwised Id've been interested. Good luck with the Sale
though mate :-) 12-Mar-10
A: Aaah, so THAT what GS means. Are you saying that it is actually a blinged up version? Does that mean it's worth more?
Q: Hello OLLY! You are soooo funny tagged this in facebook. To disprove your theory on the Pub
parking and kebab throwing my 1989 micra auto got nicked outside a Pub
while I was working at the hospital 3 weeks ago! still not got the little love back yet..............wait a minute that blue looks freshly sprayed and Nissan would'nt spray a car that s**t. R U sure your not a secret micra car theif. I'm calling the cops!!!!!! But seriously does this car function I'm pining for my reliable old friend. It needs to travel 100 miles a day commute to Sheffield and back is this blue banger up to the job. Regards Amanada 12-Mar-10
A: Oh dear Amanda, sorry to hear about that. What were they thinking? No seriously, what were they? They must be pretty rubbish thieves: I bet they got laughed off the estate when they turned up in a Micra. Sorry but I didn't half-inch your nice little car: I have had to put up with the embarrasment and constant ridicule of owning just this one. Personally I wouldn't bet against this car doing 100 miles a day without any problem whatsoever, although the odds shorten considerably if it was on a trailer. Just remember that Nissans are reliable, whereas Maseratis are not.
Q: Hi. What is the silver paint around the rear arches for? Thanks. 12-Mar-10
A: It's some really good rust preventer called Rusty Bullet. When I told my wife-to-be that I had been looking at Rusty Bullet on the internet, she confiscated the laptop, called the police, and went to stay with her mother.
Q: If I win the auction, do I have to take the car away? Thanks 12-Mar-10
A: Please god yes. But feel free to abandon it down the road on our neighbour's ornamental rockery.
Q: i am dyslexic and it may of toke me 30mins and part watching american hotrod to read your listing but what a laugh. good luck with it, oh and i work for a shed company we might be able to Sale
it for you lol. 11-Mar-10
A: You watch American Hotrod, and then go on to look at Nissak Micras on Ebay? Maybe I'm missing a trick here. Actually I do need a roll of felt and some tacks, maybe we could do a straight swap?
Q: Hello Olly755, I am looking for a micra for my grandson but where you live is a bit to far for me to travel so I will not bid on it. The reason I am contacting you is this must be the best ever description given for an item listed on E bay. I do not know what you do for a living but you should give it up and become an author learn something about the Masons and give Dan brown a run for his money you could even say that there is a hidden symbol of a Nissan Micra on Da Vince's last supper painting. Regards Noah 11-Mar-10
A: Dear me, you must really hate your grandson. Do the decent thing and buy him a decent car. You can't take it with you.
Q: Hi there, Interesting listing. Apologies but I just can't easily pick out the info I need. How many miles has it done? What are the tyres like? Any oil leaks? Kind regards John 11-Mar-10
A: Hi John. Very sensible questions sir, I'm glad someone is taking this seriously. I think it has done around 63000 miles. The tyres are black, round, there are 4 of them, and you even get another one in the boot. They are in very good condition- Derek the MOT man didn't grumble once. And it hasn't piddled any oil on my drive at all in 7 months. Hope this helps.
Q: hi mate,dont wanna buy your car but can i call on you when i have some sand i want to sell to the arabs as you just seem to know the right words to talk people into buying something they dont really want or need.regards... 11-Mar-10
A: هتاف ميت. لا تتردد في اعطاء لي مكالمة بأسرع ما كنت على استعداد ، وسأكون سعيدا لإلزام ، Cheers, Olly
Q: Well done with the listing, this must be the best laugh on eBay I've had in years. Hope you manage to sell the micra. Good luck 11-Mar-10
A: You wouldn't be laughing if you owned it. Cheers, Olly
Q: I have always dreamed of owning a Nissan Micra from 1989. What colour is yours? 11-Mar-10
A: It's red with pink spots and blue triangles. It just looks blue in the photographs.
Q: Hi I dont need a micra, in fact I have my own, left to me when an uncle died. But......if I did, I would have to buy yours even though I do not like autos. Its the best chuckle I had for a while, rather like my K11 which is giving me as much enjoyemnt as my first mini countryman bought 31 years ago. Good luck with the Sale
. Nigel 09-Mar-10
A: Hi Knobbly Nigel. Thanks for the free Micra testamonial, your £5 note is in the post. Are you sure you don't need another Nissan in your life?